Can I Rant?

7 Apr

It’s 2:30 in the morning so I’m writing because my heart feels incredibly heavy and if I’m honest, a little wounded. No one will probably read this, but if you are, welcome to a thought process. You may never arrive at any destination or conclusion. And you may have just joined a can of worms that’s been open in my mind for quite some time.

Love is a four letter word that I can’t begin to explain, fathom, or live out in the way that it deserves. It’s the most abused word in the English language, and at the same time one of the most powerful words. I’ve found myself over the past year or so wanting to be characterized by this word. In the things I say, the motive behind things I do, and the reason why I breathe. Love is equivalent to life because for me, love is not based on a feeling. Love is not something that describes a romantic encounter, but love is my God. (1 John 4:8) Therefore love for me equals life. Without Love, there’d be no reason for Christ to endure the most gruesome of deaths. Without Love, He would see no need to save a despicable sinner like me. And without Love, I would have no reason to live. But because of Love, a sacrifice was made on my behalf that conquered death and the grave to give me life and purpose.

Call me crazy, call me young, naïve, it wouldn’t be something I haven’t heard in the last year, but there’s an aching in my heart, in the very depths of my soul to be more like Jesus in this breath than my last. To be a part of a unified body of Christ, The Church, the way He intended it to be. To know Love and be love…to every single person I encounter, whether they show love or not. When my life is over and if people gather somewhere to talk about me, I don’t want to be known for the career I had or the places I lived. There’s nothing I want more than to be known and characterized by love: Love for my Savior which resulted in an overflow of love for people. I want to be known by extraordinary love, because that’s who my God is. Everything I do should be an overflow of love because things such as: grace, forgiveness, mercy, encouragement, patience, kindness are all extensions of love.

I honestly believe loving people is the most difficult thing I will ever do. I’m no expert at it by any means and there are days I know I don’t love the way I’m supposed to or should, even days when I’m ashamed of the lack of it in my life. But there are also days that I know if I do love how I’m called to, Satan can twist it to make me believe I haven’t. And not based on how I actually love people, but based on people’s response to that love. That’s where love gets a little hazy. That’s where love is skewed to fit the mold we’ve made for it, that is far from its original design. Love is not based on someone’s response. Love is not based on mutual reciprocation. Love is love for the sake of love. I gotta read that again…Love is love simply for the sake of being love. It doesn’t put limitations or conditions on whether or not it’s given. True love in its purest form (purest form meaning: based on Christ’s example) gives even before receiving. (Romans 5:8) It gives without ever expecting love in return. So if someone responds to my love in a way that is hurtful or rejecting, I must continue to love. If Christ hasn’t stopped loving me thus far in my wretchedness, I can’t stop loving others either. I cannot love the way I’m supposed to without His example, without His direction, without Him.

I just want to be like Jesus. I just want to know Him and be changed by Him. It all boils down to love…it’s who He is, it’s who we’re called to be and it’s the way the world identifies that we belong to Him. (John 13:35) Without it, we are nothing and everything I believe in falls by the wayside. (1 Corinthians 13:1-3) 

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